Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4

00:00 This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. 00:06 Fundei a Ornota em 2013 e fabricamos vestuário para ciclistas. Para mim, a melhor parte da Shopify é a possibilidade de gerirmos o negócio mesmo não tendo conhecimentos técnicos. Conseguimos gerir tudo, do back-end ao front-end e fazer vendas online, sem complicações. Se a Shopify fosse um equipamento de ciclismo... Eu diria que seria a própria bicicleta. É aquilo que nos permite chegar onde queremos. É na Shopify que gerimos o nosso negócio. 00:34 Chamo-me Shannon Maldonado, sou a fundadora da Yaoi, uma loja de souvenirs com artigos artesanais e peças selecionadas por artistas. Escolhi a Shopify porque depois de experimentar outras plataformas, esta foi sem dúvida uma das mais intuitivas. Para mim, foi importante pensar onde estaríamos no futuro. Todas as ferramentas para analisar as vendas, como a gestão de inventário, estão ali mesmo, no nosso dashboard. Comece a sua avaliação gratuita em shopify.com. 01:06 You join me pitch side with Harry Kane. 01:10 All right, Kelly, all right, yeah, all right. 01:13 Harry, you must be disappointed. Argentina 2-1, England out at semi-final stage again. 01:19 Yeah, you know, totally gutted for the lads. They gave everything, really, you know. Of course, it'd be very easy to criticise the manager. 01:28 Great, so let's do that. 01:32 Agora, você sabe, a verdadeira, nós tivemos uma estratégia. O que estratégia? A estratégia. A estratégia é uma estratégia que serviu tão bem nos anos. Eu, se alguém tem alguma dúvida sobre a gaffa antes, pelo menos com este jogo, Tuchel provedu-se a ser a proper England manager. 01:54 ...a nome Tuchel... ...can stand in the pantheon of failure... ...alongside Southgate, Hodgson and Taylor. Come of the hour... ...come of the tactical blunders and inept substitutions... These bywords for letdown will stand in history for all time as a sacred pledge to all back home that we are England, that footballing throne of donkeys, that septic aisle, this knackered plot, this arse vis England. 02:35 Essa é uma... Essa é uma... Essa é uma... Essa é uma... Essa é uma... 02:39 Essa é uma... Dead Ringer 03:05 Hello, and welcome to Sunday with Laura Koonsberg. It's like Sunday brunch, only with MPs instead of potato roasties. On Monday, Andy Burnham will become the new Prime Minister, and he joins me in the studio now. 03:17 Good morning, Laura. It's great to be here. And can I add, in a separate devolved northern greeting, hey up, love, how's the fettling? 03:27 Mr Burnham, you are about to become our seventh Prime Minister in a decade. Isn't this country crying out for stability? 03:33 Absolutely, Laura. We have a political culture that builds its PMs up and then knocks them down very quickly. But I am confident that I can break that cycle. 03:43 Well, of course you are, because you are the most charismatic and brilliant figure in British political history. A sort of Churchill meets Obama and the answer to all our prayers. We love you, Andy. 03:55 Não sei se eu acessar a sua premissão, Laura. 03:57 Algo que há já rumblings que você não exatamente hit the ground running. Obviamente, eu estou trabalhando com o meu team. Em fato, muitos comentadores dizem que os primeiros stages do seu liderazgo têm sido distinto. 04:09 Laura, eu não estou a Prime Minister yet. 04:11 Mr Burnham, como muito tempo você realmente espera o público para o melhor melhorar em suas vidas que você promete? Hang on, hang on. 04:20 Não, não, não... Você é muito, você é incompetente, você tem completamente perdido a confiança de seus own MPs. Não é inevitável que você tenha que resign? Por que eu resign? Uma opinião publicada em últimos quatro segundos revela que você é agora o mais despido prime minister em todo o recorde de history. Por favor, não, eu não sei... Por amor de Deus, você é ridícula, apalhante, desculpa, wretch! Quando você vai fazer a honra coisa e se sentar? Ok, fine, eu quito. 04:48 mas eu faço isso com a minha cabeça ligada porque eu acredito que estou deixando esse país em um lugar melhor 04:58 Thank you and goodbye. And so as Andy Burnham leaves the TV studio now for the final time, I wonder if some will reflect on how he's been treated by a British media that's become so addicted to Westminster gossip and intrigue it's made this country ungovernable. We can but hope. Right, get bin face in here. Now Coonsberg needs to feed again. 05:26 Ah, that was Gladys Knight and the Pips. 05:32 Sadly, I'm just hearing that the Pips over on Radio 4 have been sacked as part of the BBC's cost-cutting measures. Very, very sad. Although they've now got their own show on Greatest Hits Radio. 05:48 Terrific news. Now, the Covid inquiry report into dodgy PPE has been damning. It found that the government wasted £10 billion on substandard masks and gowns and at least £100,000 on a substandard Matt Hancock. I'm delighted to say he's not here with me, but in less good fortune, I'm joined by... Gooby, gooby, gooby... 06:19 O que é o senhor, e agora o editor do Beano... 06:24 Michael Gove? 06:25 It's the spectator, actually, Jeremy, not the beanu. Sorry, it's just my little joke. Say it again and I'll get you with my catapult-yarroo. 06:34 So, PPE, what do you think of the findings? 06:37 Well, I'm sorry, Jeremy, but I refuse to be criticised for making a VIP farce lane to award contracts to my Tory chumps. That's how I roll. I am what I am, and what I am is a big, sleazy, slug thing. 06:50 Well, hang on a minute. Whilst Baroness Hallett did find that mistakes were made, she found no evidence of corruption. She found what? 07:02 No evidence of corruption at all. 07:04 How dare she? How dare she accuse me of not being corrupt? So rude! I take this very personally, you know. After all the years I've spent building up a reputation as a devious scumbag, this makes me so mad. I've got a good mind to inflate my cheeks and squirt ink in her face. 07:22 But Mr Gove, you're off the hook. No, I won't accept it. The public know the truth. They know the real me. You believe I'm a wrong'un, don't you, Jeremy? Please say I'm a weasel. No, corruption found. Not listening. No, no, no. Make it stop. 07:36 But they did find you utterly inept. 07:38 I'll take it. Thank you, Jeremy. And just for that, here, have a £5 million PPE contract. 07:44 Michael Gove, thank you. This is BBC Radio 2. Now here's Creep by Radiohead. 07:57 Hello, I'm Gary Lineker, and welcome to The Rest is Football. So, it's World Cup to spare, and not just for Netflix accountants when they run the final numbers on this load of guff. 08:08 England have suffered an agonising 2-1 defeat to Argentina in the semi-final, and I'm now joined by the England manager, Thomas Tuchel. 08:16 Hello, for perhaps the final time, Gary. 08:20 Now, Thomas, there's been a lot of criticism about how defensive England were in the second half. Did we shoot ourselves in the foot, do you think? 08:28 Não, Gary, porque o futebol é um jogo engraçado, os homens deram 110% e no final do dia eu me sinto como um parrot, se você sabe o que eu quero dizer. 08:39 Right, então eu vou admitir, Thomas, eu estava esperando você dizer, ''No, Gary, nós não tínhamos nos inimigos porque nós não tínhamos ferramentas, e mesmo que nós não tínhamos, eu teria que eles não tínhamos, ou algo assim." Não é isso mais o seu estilo? 08:55 Não, Gary. Não são os jogos de esse nível, os lads colocaram em um grande shift, e para mim, foi seis de uma e meio dozena do outro. Então, o que você está upto, Thomas? Você está tomando o mique? 09:10 No, Gary? 09:12 Basically, it's a marathon, not a sprint. He's got a good touch for a big man, but can't he do it on a cold Tuesday night in Stoke? 09:22 Oh, I get it now. You've decided the only way to deal with all the criticism you're getting for your abysmal tactics and your appalling substitutions is to hide behind a load of meaningless football clichés. 09:35 Yes, Gary. 09:38 And now I know why there are so many of them in English. 09:52 Hello, hello and welcome to The One Show with me, Alex Jones. And me, Roman Kemp. Alex, what did you get up to the weekend? Not now, Roman. 10:00 Banter with you is not part of my contract and I don't like you. 10:07 Coming up later, we've got Chris Packham on the sofa and he's going to be talking about how many people he's seen dogging. 10:14 LAUGHTER 10:21 But first, as Keir Starmer is about to step down as Prime Minister, it means the Deputy Prime Minister is also likely to leave his post. And David Lamme joins us now. 10:32 Good evening, Alex. It's nice to... David! David! It's your inner monologue here. This could be your last ever interview. So let's try to finally get one right. To be here... 10:48 Okay, so how are you feeling about the next few days? 10:51 Well, Alex... Answer the question, David. Like a grown-up, remember what we talked about when you were putting on your trousers. 11:03 I'd have to say... Go on, David. I'm right behind you. Look, I don't need you for this, OK? It's only the one show. 11:12 Are you all right, Mr Lamy? 11:15 Sorry, yes. What I was trying to say was... You can do it, David. Don't make a Lamy of yourself. And for crying out loud, will you shut up? 11:27 Beg your pardon? 11:28 This is all your fault, you know. My fault? No, not you. Him. Who? Me. Yes, you. You always pretend you're trying to help me, but I know what you're up to. Undermining me, belittling me, forcing me to make an idiot of myself in interviews and turning me into a laughing stock. David. I am shocked. 11:50 Right, I'm not quite sure what's happening here. 11:52 Now, David, don't say anything you're going to regret. Just leave me alone. Crawl back to wherever you came from and stay there for good. 12:03 OK? 12:06 I know when I'm not wanted. I suppose this is goodbye then, David. 12:11 Mr Lammy, if you need to step out of the studio for a while... 12:14 No, I'm fine now, Alex. Better than fine, actually. Actually, I've just done something that I should have done a long time ago. 12:22 Okay. 12:24 So, what I was going to ask you was, what are your plans now for the summer? 12:28 Well, Alex, my plans for the summer are... 12:36 My plans are... Oh dear, I've made a terrible mistake. Come back, please. I can't do it on my own. What an absolute lambing. 12:54 People of Britain, as you're outgoing, and by that I mean leaving, not my personality, Prime Minister, walking through the door of number 10 was the proudest moment of my life. 13:13 I came into politics to change people's lives for the better. 13:19 And whilst broadly I haven't, I have always believed in a Britain where everyone is seen, everyone is valued and everyone has the opportunity to succeed. Apart from me. 13:39 But my time as PM has had its frustrations. 13:43 It has often felt as though the moment I'm about to make a significant announcement, something happens to knock it off course. Time and time again, my plans have been intruded upon by outside factors over which I had no agency. E é por isso que agora, na minha última adressa para a nação, eu quero tomar essa oportunidade de falar do coração, sem interrupção, e deixar você com o único mais importante mensagem que eu posso pensar em parto enquanto eu deixo ofício. 14:20 E que é... Tem agora a três minutos de hidratação. 14:38 Fundei a Ornota em 2013 e fabricamos vestuário para ciclistas. Para mim, a melhor parte da Shopify é a possibilidade de gerirmos o negócio mesmo não tendo conhecimentos técnicos. Conseguimos gerir tudo, do back-end ao front-end e fazer vendas online, sem complicações. Se a Shopify fosse um equipamento de ciclismo, Eu diria que seria a própria bicicleta. É aquilo que nos permite chegar onde queremos. É na Shopify que gerimos o nosso negócio. Começa a sua avaliação gratuita em Shopify.com. 15:10 In a time of great turmoil and uncertainty, only one northern man could lead a beleaguered nation back to prosperity. 15:22 . . . . . . 15:48 Ok, next we're looking at Northern Minister for Northern Women. Name? 15:53 I, pet, Sarah Millican. Aren't you adorable with your eyelashes and your I Heart Buses t-shirt? I could pop you in me pocket. 16:01 Right, well thank you. And why do you think you would be suited to the position? 16:06 Well, pet, I'm Northern, I'm a hard worker, a people person and I've just come up with 14 new funny names for me own fanny. LAUGHTER 16:16 A bit forward, that, love. 16:18 Well, you look like an action man who's just realised he's got no willy, but I'm not complaining, am I? 16:25 The job's yours. Next, Minister for Northern Culture. The name's John Bishop. 16:31 I'm a cheery scouser who's made his living by being cheery and being from the pool. LAUGHTER 16:41 That's exactly who I am. I'm a cheery scouser who made his living by being cheery and being from the pool. Then that's great. 16:49 We'll get on like a car on bricks that also happens to be on fire. 16:56 Welcome aboard, John. And finally, for my Minister of Transport, I've got the rusty tin bath on wheels from Last of the Summer Wine. 17:03 And rounding off the cabinet, this damp, tetley teabag that I fished out the bin. What rule has that got, Pat? We're streeting. 17:17 de uma única espécie de vida. Durante milhões de anos, os animais se tornaram diversos e magníficos. 17:26 Eu sou Cris Packham. Bem-vindo para a minha nova série, Evolution. Agora, take essa majestica marina iguana aqui. Remarcable! Não, Cris! Eu acho que você quer dizer... Astonishing! Sorry, mas David Attenborough, o quê? 17:44 And it's not majestic, it's magnificent. Sorry? You call the iguana majestic and remarkable. It's actually magnificent and astonishing. If you're going to do expressions of awe in a nature documentary, then please do them properly. 18:05 Bem, se eu só continuar. Aqui, no Galapagos Islands, com a truly exquisita landscape... Mangled it. 18:15 Eu não mandei. Sim, você disse. Você não disse isso propriamente. É... Exquisita. 18:24 Exquisita. No... Exquisita. 18:31 Exquisita. 18:34 Did you win a competition to get this chop? This coastline dotted with these extraordinary creatures. These breathtaking creatures? Breathtaking creatures. They soon begin their mesmerising pilgrimage. Spellbinding? Oh, shabbit Attenborough, I don't have to listen to you. 18:55 That's where you're wrong. I'm the biggest thing in nature television, and as such, the BBC signed over the rights to all expressions of awe to me. You're only allowed three exquisites, two astonishings, and one spellbinding. 19:10 But we've used them already. 19:12 Oh, dear. 19:15 Then it looks like you've spaffed your whole wonder budget up the wall. 19:20 Right, come on Chris, you can do this. Okay, as the sun sets over the horizon, it's plain for all to see that this big bird is very nice. 19:37 Enjoy counting frogs on Spring Watch, Buck. 19:44 The year is 2040. I'm Michael Burke, a brain in a jar perched in the smouldering ruins of Radio 4. 19:53 And this is a landmark documentary recounting one of the political success stories of our time. This is the Count Binface story. 20:04 Cast your mind back to the year 2026, a time when a man with a bin on his head became a political phenomenon, easily winning the Clacton by-election after standing against some angry shouty bloke who is now long forgotten. 20:19 Thank you to the people of Clacton. 20:23 This is the bin day to end all bin days. 20:31 The victory brought many rival politicians flooding to join his new party Refuse Including former prime ministers Fua! 20:46 I saw something of myself in Count Binface Possibly because he was also an outsider and a maverick. But mostly because my hair looks like I live in a skit. 21:07 Riding high in the polls, Binface then forced the government of the day to hold a referendum with a stark choice. Leave or remain. 21:16 I'm delighted that as a country we've voted that planet Earth should leave the solar system 52% to 48% I have no idea how we do this, but it's the principle of the thing. No more will we be controlled by those intergalactic bureaucrats. 21:36 But a scandal was about to engulf Count Binface when it was revealed he'd taken money from a dubious source. 21:42 It's completely above board and it's all my money. I can spend it on space Ferraris if I want to. 21:50 ...but the damage had been done. Count Binface attempted to evade questions... ...by resigning as MP for Clacton... ...and putting himself up for re-election. Unfortunately, all of the serious parties... ...and the recently merged monster-raving Conservative Party... 22:13 They all refused to stand, and Binface was forced to fight a novelty candidate, a man dressed as a Mr. Toad from Wind in the Willows. No, no, no, let me go, poop, poop! This is Michael Burke, hoping Giles Fraser or Tim Stanley is going to change the water in his brain jar before the moral maze starts for Radio 4. 22:41 You're listening to Radio 2 with me, Rylam. 22:46 Apologies, by the way, to the three drivers I accidentally blinded last night in the M1. I forgot to take my teeth off full beam. 22:55 Now, look who's just popped into the studio to say hello. It's only my all-time bestie, Stacey Sullivan. You all right, babes? 23:03 I'm all right, babes. Are you all right, babes? Are you all right, babes? I'm all right, babes. 23:08 Actually, truth be told, I'm not all right, babes. Oh, no. What's wrong, babes? Well... 23:18 I'll tell you why. The list of the BBC Highest Earnest has come out and I'm not on it. I'm gutted. 23:24 I'm not on there either, babes. Nightmare. Although, isn't that because we're both paid through independent production companies, babes? 23:31 Well, I don't do facts, babes. I just do vibes and I feel like my nose is right out of joint. Oh, I know a surgeon in Turkey will put that right for you, babes. 23:39 É só um expressão, babes. O ponto é, se você quer ganhar o big bucks no bebe, você precisa ser um tipo de news, como o Fiona Bruces, o Sophie Rayworth, o Laura Coonsberg. E a coisa é, nós somos muito comuns. Nós somos todos os gossos e nos perguntamos se nós estamos em tudo bem, babes. Você está tudo bem, babes? Eu não estou em tudo bem, babes. 23:59 Eu estou em tudo bem, babes. Eu estou em tudo bem, babes. Eu estou em tudo bem, babes. 24:01 Eu estou em tudo bem, babes. Eu estou em tudo bem. 24:06 Mas como nós podemos mostrar que nós somos sérios news types? 24:08 Bem, é simples, babes. Nós temos uma grande política, nós temos uma grande ronda, babes, e nós vamos para os papéis discutir current affairs com jornalistas que trabalham com o Spectator e Owen Jones e Zia Yusuf. Eu acho que eu prefiro ser dead, babes. 24:27 Football and classical music have a proud history. Who can forget Italia 90, Nesson Dormer and Pavarotti? Now Classic FM brings you a brand new CD release. Catherine Jenkins sings all the offensive 2026 World Cup football chants. All the vulgarity and swearing, but coming out of that lovely Welsh mouth. Including... 24:51 You can stick your hydration, break up your arse. You can stick your hydration, break up your arse. 25:00 And this all-time 2026 classic which endeared England fans to the rest of the world. 25:05 He's fat, he's got piles, he's in the Epstein files, he's Donald Trump. Donald Trump. 25:17 E aí E aí E aí E aí 25:35 We have the location. Sue, let's go! 25:38 You're listening to BBC Radio 4's Intrigue to Catch a King, the hit investigative podcast. It's dramatic, it's dangerous, it's a great source of revenue for library music composers. I'm Sue Mitchell, I'm a reporter, and my friend Rob Laurie is ex-army. LAUGHTER 26:01 E eu falo como eu tento desluxo o jalapeno e o peper estávamos em minha epiglottis. 26:08 ...which adds to the drama. This week, we're in a forest again, and you can tell because of the sound effects of twigs breaking while we walk. This also adds to the drama. But this week, the forest is darker than usual. It's pitch black, obviously, but it's also metaphorically dark. Sue, Sue, the trees are walking, Sue, they're alive! Rob's gone balmy. 26:34 LAUGHTER 26:36 I haven't, Sue. Look at the map. It says murder. 26:38 Rob hasn't got his reading glasses on. 26:42 It actually says Mordor. 26:45 The forest we're in is the scary one from Lord of the Rings because of the drama. 26:52 Stop right there. 26:55 You shall not pass. What brings you to Mordor? 27:01 You are neither hobbits nor erros. 27:04 That's right. I'm a reporter and Rob is ex-army. 27:10 Well, this is perfect. I listen to your podcast. You're very good at catching evil creatures. And so, you must both help me defeat Sauron. 27:20 Sauron is a notorious jewel thief. So, to track him through the forests of Mordor, we must hire a horse. 27:31 ...which, thanks to editing, we now have done. 27:35 You must help me repel his dark forces. Middle-earth stands upon the brink. 27:41 Because of the danger. 27:43 Here they come. It's Sauron's orc army. But wait! 27:47 King Aragorn rides to defeat them. 27:50 Sauron is angry because of the ranger. 27:58 Isso é uma referência, mesmo para este desenho! Be quieta, Roque! 28:03 É o último episódio da série, Rob is ex-army. 28:06 Time para ir, Sue. Meu contato, Frodo Baggins, falou sobre uma ilígula vape shop em Rivendell. Fly, you fools! Abort mission! Abort mission! 28:18 Run through the forest, Rob, e turn the sound effects up really loud to emphasise that that's what's happening. Join us next series! On to catch a king! Over in! Rob is ex-army! 28:32 Dared Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Jan Ravens, Louis McLeod, Duncan Wisby and Jess Robinson. It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Sophie Dixon, John Holmes, Tom Coles, Joe Toppin, with additional material by Rachel E. Thorne and Lizzie Mansfield, Declan Kennedy and Adele Cliff, Cooper Marwinie Swerd. Dared Ringers is a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. It was created by Bill Dare and the producer is John Holmes. 29:05 . . . 29:29 E aí E aí E aí E aí