The Nick Abbot Habit

00:02 This is a global production. Oh, it's a good one for you this time. We were talking about Mr. Blobby and who might be the new James Bond. The two are not connected. 00:14 And first I was talking to a man who runs a pub in the middle of nowhere. 00:19 Steve, when people come to your pub, I bet the first question on their mind is, given that you are in the middle of nowhere, is how can they sample your wares, by which I mean... Booze. And then drive away? 00:34 Well, they've all got these driverless cars. They've been around for a long time on Exmoor. 00:40 Driverless cars? Well, you're talking about horses. They get all their horses. 00:44 No, no, they're all driverless cars. No, all my customers are very sensible. 00:49 I always wondered about that with pubs in the middle of nowhere. The only way to get there is in a car. And that's the last thing that you want to be doing, driving a car, when you've actually sampled what's available in a pub. 01:03 Well, not really. I mean, like I said, they're all sensible. They normally come up with somebody that drinks orange juice and drives them home, or they all come in one car and there's always one sensible person. People are actually quite sensible if you leave them to their own devices. I mean, there is no accident record around here because it doesn't happen. People are genuinely sensible when they come here. 01:24 Well, thanks for the good news. Cheers, Steve. 0345 6060 973. 01:30 Yeah, I always wondered about that. I very much doubt that people are sensible. 01:35 You've met people. Do they seem sensible to you? No. And I think it used to be acceptable. You'd go to a pub and have, well, come on, I've only had four pints. I'm fine to drive. 01:47 And it'd be weaving in and out of little country lanes. 01:51 Which is one of the reasons I hate driving down country lanes. Just absolutely hate it. Anything that's not as wide as the M1 seems like a danger to me. 02:02 But those country lanes are the worst. Because the locals, they do drive like they're drunk all the time. 02:08 They drive around blind bends and assume that because the last time they drove around that bend there was no car around it, that this time there won't be a car around it either. 02:21 as their previous experience has anything to do with it. 02:23 Why do people in the countryside drive like such nutters? 02:28 No offence. 02:30 Maybe it's because they're drunk. Possibly. 02:34 Maybe it's because they're high on cow fumes. Oh, the smell of it. 02:43 Ooh. John emails, I used to drive through Whitehall during lockdown. Many times I would spot a podgy man in a toga handing out flyers. Clearly, Bodger has been using the Downing Street basement for club nights. How else to pay for all that crazy gold-plated furnishing? 02:58 Going mental! 03:01 Flyers. Do people still do that? I guess they do. 03:05 So long since I went to a club. But you used to come out and there'd be all sorts of flyers. 03:10 Dodd emails, did you know that Sue Gray is an anagram of sugary? 03:19 No, I did not know that, Dodd. 03:22 But that is valuable information. Thanks for that. 03:26 I am not one of your fans! 03:30 Alan texts, pork pie MP Melton Mowbray trying to get rid of Boris Johnson. 03:36 Almost no word in that sentence was spelt right. 03:41 Plus, it doesn't make any sense. Pork pie MP Melton Mowbray trying to get rid of Boris Johnson. 03:50 Does that make sense? No. Mark tweets, latest movie I watched was Captain Underpants. 03:56 If you can imagine Captain Underpants with a blonde mop of hair, it could be our dear leader. 04:01 There's a film called Captain Underpants. I don't believe you. 04:07 And Edward texts, Michael Fabricant is a creepy version of Boris Johnson. 04:14 What is it with his hair? I mean, I know that weird hair is having a moment. Oh, shut up! But that's the weirdest hair I've ever seen in my life. I mean, it looks like it's made of cardboard. 04:29 It looks like it came in a can. 04:33 Michael Fabricant's hair, is it real? Or is it supposed to be a comically bad wig? Or is that his real hair with an enormous amount of product in it? You don't need to put all of that product in your hair. You just don't. And I can't imagine what the product is, but like super glue. 04:56 I've never seen anything like it. 05:00 It's just really confusing to me. You can't listen to a word that he says, Michael Fabricant, because you're too busy gawping at his hair or whatever that is that's sitting on top of his head. In fact, it doesn't seem to actually touch his head. It seems to hover over it like a drone. 05:20 Susie tweets, I like walnut whips. Well, that's important information, Susie. Thank you. Appreciate it. 05:25 Thank you. 05:26 Susie likes walnut whips. 05:29 That's exactly the sort of information that we require on this show. 05:34 Idris Elba as James Bond. 05:39 It's a no from me. No, no, no, no, no. It's too old. It's like 50 years old. You can't start your Bond franchise at the age of 50. 05:52 I mean, I don't know how old Roger Moore was when he started his thing, but probably there or thereabouts. But that was then. This is now. 06:00 Daniel Craig's brought it right up to date. 06:02 No bond previously to Daniel Craig looked like they could actually kill you. 06:09 Now it's important that they look like they could actually kill you rather than, you know, just look good in a dinner jacket. 06:16 And I don't know, a 50 year old like leaping across rooftops and no. 06:25 And they wouldn't have mentioned his name, Barbara Broccoli, if they if they'd actually decided on it being him. So it's going to be somebody else. 06:35 Of course, I don't have any idea what I'm talking about on this or any other issue, but I very much doubt. I mean, not in my memory did they ever say about who's going to be the next James Bond. Oh, yeah, we're thinking about him. And then it was that person. They're very, very quiet about it. 06:50 So it's going to be a surprise. And it ain't going to be Idris Elba. Too old. 50 years old. You can't play James Bond starting at 50 because they want you to do four films. Four films takes 10 years. It'll be 60 by the time he's over. 07:02 No, too old. Darby. Hello, Brent. 07:07 Good evening. 07:09 Brent. I have to disagree about... I think Sean Connery could have done you some damage. The guy was a bodybuilder in his early years, to be honest. 07:17 No, not really. You never looked like he was capable of killing people to me. 07:23 Well, I suppose Roger Moore's eyebrows could have done some damage as well. 07:26 Yes, they could, yes. If he deployed the eyebrows, then you're in big trouble. 07:32 They were, yeah. They were good. 07:34 Just thought I'd let you know about the expenses. Have you seen the expenses from MPs that Taxpayers Alliance have done some investigating into? No. And they've turned up £132 million of expenses this year, which is up on previous years. Yeah. And the worst offender is £280,000 for the top offender, and that was Darren Henry in Brockstow. And apparently he said it was a very difficult year for his staff. Now, this is the same MP who said in 2019 in Hustings that people who go to food banks just need to budget better. 08:05 Yeah. Well, their staff budget is about £280,000 each. They all get that. 08:12 What is really alarming is that despite the rules being that they're not allowed to employ family members anymore, if they had employed family members before the rules changed, they can still do that. And so an enormous number of our MPs are actually employing their wives or husbands or sons or daughters or girlfriends and boyfriends to be their, in inverted commas, researcher, for which they shower them with our money. 08:43 keeping it in the family. 08:44 I mean, the best part of it is that, of course, you know, he basically also says that these people just don't know how to budget, but they also, why don't they use some payday loans or something like that? And you were talking earlier on about some of the MPs, automatons, Look at the voting record and every time votes for the government. And he replaced, obviously, Alice Sudbury, who was ousted because, well, she had a bit of mind of her own. Not that I'm the biggest fan, but, you know, she might have done her own thing on some occasions and expressed an opinion that deviated from... 09:16 So we have an MP who basically does what he's told and is racking up £280,000 of expenses and literally tells poor people they don't know how to put you in an ironic sense. 09:26 Right. OK, thanks for the bad news, Brent. 0345 6060 973. Yeah, if you think that MP's expenses is not an issue anymore, that we've dealt with that, then I have a genuine made-in-China Rolex watch I'd like to sell you. 09:43 James texts, if Sue Gray's report concludes that civil servants were at fault for the parties, who allowed those unelected bureaucrats to have so much power? I thought we'd taken back control, says James. 09:56 Jeff says, Kinnock once said on his defeat, I warn you not to be ordinary. I warn you not to be young. I warn you not to fall ill. 10:04 I warn you not to get old. Don't get sick, don't grow old and don't end up poor. Maybe he was right. He was completely correct in every respect. 10:15 particularly about the getting ill and getting old part, despite the fact that the old are the ones that are responsible for this government being in position. 10:26 Thank you, old people. 10:31 How's this government working out for you? 10:33 Fabulous. Croydon. Hello, Phil. 10:36 Hello, Nick. 10:37 Phil. 10:39 Right. First thing, Taran Egerton for the new James Bond. 10:43 Taron Egerton. Who's that? 10:46 He played Elton John and he was also in Kingsman. 10:51 No, no. 10:53 No, okay. Right, second thing. Too Soft and Podgy does not look like a killer. I'll tell you who it should be. It should be that bloke out of that film Starred Up. You know Starred Up? 11:05 I can never remember his name. It's a film about a bloke who goes into prison because he kills somebody. That's what you get when you're starred up, I think. 11:13 Well, you know, I'm all up with the prison lingo, me. 11:18 Yeah, down with the kids. 11:19 Exactly. And I can never remember his name, but it should be him because he looks like a right hooligan. 11:27 OK, I don't know who you're on about. Second thing, pork pie. 11:31 Milton Mowbray. 11:32 Jack O'Connell, says my glamorous assistant next door. That's probably totally right. 11:37 Jack O'Connell. Jack O'Connell. Yeah, well, the Paul Pygate comes from Milton Mowbray. The MP for Milton Mowbray, one of the backbenchers, started the letters going into the 1922 committee to get Boris Johnson out. 11:55 Yes, I know. 11:58 You didn't know that. You couldn't decipher a text message earlier on. Well, because it didn't make any sense. 12:03 I know what the pork pie plot is, but that text message didn't make any sense. 12:10 I'll go to bed now, Nick. 12:11 Okay. 12:13 Ta-ta. He's going to bed. Going up to bed. Bye-bye. Nice to talk to you. 12:20 He was just... He was contributing. 12:23 Being helpful. 12:24 Thank you. 12:25 Appreciate it. 12:28 Nick texts, £34 billion for an app that didn't work. Why no refund of the Sale of Goods Act or a broken contract, says Nick? 12:37 Well, we don't know where it went. 12:40 It's mystifying. 12:42 How can you lose that much money? 12:45 Unless they didn't lose it. 12:48 Oh, well, somebody's got it all right. Don't you worry about that. 12:53 James texts, I just noticed the 1922 committee is 100 years old. 100 years old! 12:59 Happy birthday to the committee. The Queen will have to send a letter in too. 13:06 Yes. She'll be furious. 13:09 Yeah, Jack O'Connell. I've been saying this for ages. Are you listening, Barbara Broccoli? No. No, not listening. 13:16 Jack O'Connell should be the new James Bond because he looks hooligan-ish, which is what's required for the role now. 13:24 I mean, previous to Daniel Craig taking over and everyone was appalled. Do you remember when Daniel Craig took over? Because I think he used to be blonde, didn't he? People said, oh, my God, kind of a blonde James Bond. What is the world coming to? 13:37 It's the worst thing we've ever heard, said people. 13:41 But that seemed to work out all right. 13:43 And you need to be a certain age to go... I mean, they want four films out of you, so that'll take at least 10, let's say 12 years. So you can't be 50 when you start, because otherwise you'll be in a Zimmer frame by the time you've got your last film going. 13:58 You need to do some of the stunts yourself, and you need to look like a hooligan, which I think is what the actual original James Bond was supposed to be. He's a bit, you know... 14:08 He's a killer. He's a killer. 14:12 So it should be him. But his name never comes up. 14:15 Which might indicate that it's going to be him. 14:18 Because they spray all these names around. And we've been through this so many times. And everybody's on the edge of their seats keen to find out who it's going to be. And everyone's got their favourite idea. 14:28 But the name of the person who gets it is never mentioned beforehand. 14:32 It's the people who are mentioned beforehand who are, you know, they're a distraction to put us off the scent so that it's a surprise, so it becomes worldwide news. Because if everybody knew who it was going to be beforehand, before the big reveal, the big announcement, then we'd be like, oh, yeah, OK. Yeah, we knew that. 14:53 No big deal. 14:55 It's going to be somebody completely out of left field. And I've been saying it forever, that it should be Jack O'Connell. 15:03 Ricky tweets, did you see PMQs when Ian Blackford was talking about the 150,000 dead and Boris Johnson did the look of a naughty school kid sat at the back of the classroom? Yes, I did. 15:14 And Ian Blackford blew his top Mind you, he always looks like he's blowing his top. He always looks like he's about to explode out of his suit, he's so furious. 15:33 But quite right too. 15:35 Yeah, Boris Johnson's just kind of like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like doing his head thing and it's like grinning away like a naughty schoolboy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 15:45 Like that. God. 15:47 What an absolute shower we've got running this country. 15:52 Ewan texts. That's right, Nick. Heaven forbid we ended up with the free broadband guy. Oh, what? Jezza. Uncle Jezza, yeah. Chaos with Uncle Jezza. 16:02 LAUGHTER And for the moment, finally, could lip texts. Why do people vote in people that are going to make our lives more miserable? 16:12 I don't know. I think it's this masochistic streak that runs through us. It's as wide as the M1. We love a bit of it. Thank you, sir. May I have another? 16:24 Nick texts in relation to some confusement that I was under some while ago. Somebody texted in and said that somebody called James O'Brien's show and was talking about an indoor coat, and I didn't know what that meant. Nick explains, indoor coat is due to fuel poverty. It was heartbreaking. 16:41 And on that same subject, Dave texts, indoor coats are a new fashion item for people who can't afford to put the heating on. Well, I've got an indoor coat. It's called a house coat. 16:51 Used to be a thing. 16:53 It's like, well, it's not like, it is a dressing gown made of wool. 16:59 Cozy and warm. It's like walking around in a blanket. I love it! 17:05 Not to, you know, to suggest that this isn't a serious issue, but, you know, I certainly recommend it. 17:18 Daryl says, if you can't stomach any of the Cabinet as our next dear leader, there's plenty of backbenchers to choose from. Prime Minister Francois has a certain ring to it. 17:28 Well, he wasn't trained to lose. We know that. 17:32 Blackpool. Hello, Daniel. Hello, Nick. 17:37 Can I share something with you? Yes, please. 17:40 OK. MP Maynard. 17:44 He's our MP in Blackpool. 17:46 Oh, yeah. 17:47 So I wrote to him, and I kept it simple. I said to him, if I'd like to... I'll start again. 17:56 Why haven't you written to the 1922 committee in order to bring down the Prime Minister? 18:02 All right, so let's just recap. So your local MP... Which is Paul Maynard. Right, so you wrote him to ask why he hasn't instigated a movement to unseat the bodge. 18:15 To put it correctly, I wrote to him and said, have you? And if you have you, and if you haven't, why not? 18:23 Right. 18:24 So he said, he said that it would be better in our interests not to have a call for a leadership election and stuff, because they need to get on with the job they're doing. Oh, God. 18:37 So I replied. 18:39 And I sent off a little thing. And he replied back to me. And do you know what he said? What? 18:43 He said that he feels that since the Barnard Castle situation, that Boris Johnson is literally on a twig and he's going further along the twig until it snaps. And that's him as a Conservative MP. He feels that he's just, Boris Johnson is going along this twig that's eventually going to snap. 19:05 But that doesn't fit with what you said that his answer was initially. 19:09 I mean, maybe we shouldn't be disclosing personal correspondence between you and him. 19:15 Oh, no. Let me just explain. When I said that, it was just one paragraph. It's, have you written to the 1922 committee? Yeah, and he said no. No. He wants to get on with the job, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The job in hand, he put in his exact words. So then I replied. I can't remember what I wrote, but he replied. Something about twigs. 19:36 Yeah. 19:36 Well, basically, as long as Boris Johnson is on this trig, eventually it'll snap. Well, I would think so, yeah. 19:41 I mean, it would have to be a pretty sturdy branch not to snap under the weight of the bodger. 19:47 Well, exactly. But the thing is, why hasn't he written that letter if he thinks it's going to snap anyway? 19:53 I don't know, Daniel, and, well, that's probably it. The reason why. He doesn't want to put himself out there, perhaps. 20:01 Because if Bodger's going to fall anyway, why put himself in the fire in line? 20:07 But thanks for your efforts in that regard, Daniel. 20:11 The nation appreciates it. 20:12 Thank you. 20:14 I thought about writing to my MP because I previously had... I mean, I didn't vote for him or the party that he represents. 20:23 But I thought, well, he's probably a decent-ish sort of person. He emails me all the blooming time telling me all of the things that he's been, you know, doing and all of the issues that concern him. And I thought, well, you know, OK, so you want to save the pool and you want to stop ordinary houses becoming giant blocks of flats on little residential roads. And, yeah, OK. 20:50 But then I saw him on TV defending the indefensible. 20:55 The indefensible bodge. 20:58 And I thought, huh, maybe you're just one of those nodding dogs. 21:03 Like an automaton that's just been programmed to repeat the line from the regime. Like a robot. Affirmative. 21:12 And I thought, now I'm disappointed. 21:18 I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. 21:21 And so I thought, I'll write you a letter and ask you why you haven't, you know, why you are defending the indefensible bodge. But then I thought, what's the point? 21:32 What's the point? 21:34 All I'll do is put myself in their crosshairs. I mean, hopefully no one's listening to this right now. 21:42 I don't want to put myself out there because, you know, I'll get set upon and sent to jail for 51 weeks for causing a disturbance or something. I don't know. Writing an unwanted letter. 21:55 51 weeks in jail for you, sunshine. 22:00 So I thought, forget it. What's the point? Just wasting my time. 22:05 So I didn't. 22:08 But whenever he comes on TV, I'm going to give him a stern look. That'll teach him. 22:15 Julius texts, I have to inform you that Paradise by the Dashboard Light was, of course, produced by the excellent Todd Rundgren, who also played guitar. Curiously, although Jim Steinman wrote that track, he was not the pianist on this occasion. Roy Bitton of Springsteen's E Street Band took the seat there. 22:30 In regards to further production, a John Janssen mix was the one that made it onto the album. In these days of fake news and half-truths, I thought you'd want the full facts here, says Julius. 22:42 Well, now we're all up to date. 22:45 John says, looks like we're going to have to trust the 1922 committee to do the right thing. Good grief. 22:52 Yes. 22:53 Yeah, we're putting the future of this nation into the hands of those old buffers. 22:59 We're doomed. 23:02 Pete says, as someone said the other day, the three faces now representing the UK to the rest of the world are Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Prince Andrew. 23:11 We've become a laughingstock to most of the rest of the planet. Yeah, we seriously need Donald Trump to take over as the president of the United States of America again so they can be the laughingstock of the world. 23:21 Oh, shut up! 23:22 I mean, it can't happen soon enough. 23:24 I can be more presidential than anybody. 23:26 Than anybody. 23:28 Andy emails, I dread to think what the inside of number 10 looks like. Princess Carrie's taste is bizarre. 23:35 Look at the dress she was wearing the other night. I bet she chose his running shorts as well. Oh, God, those shorts. Disgusting. Everything about him. 23:49 The size of his calves. I mean, what kind of an animal has calves that big? That's ridiculous. They're unnecessarily large. 24:01 Andy says, I bet she chose his running shorts as well. As for Bodger, the inside of his car suggests he is manky. 24:08 Look up the word manky in a dictionary. 24:11 I bet that's tomorrow's Wordle. 24:14 Oh, I am absolutely obsessed with that game. Wordle. 24:18 Yeah, thanks a lot, whoever invented that. Now I've got no life. 24:22 I didn't waste enough of my time doing crosswords. Now I'm gawping at a computer screen doing Wordle all morning long. 24:30 But you know me, I never complain. Whinging and whining and moaning. Anybody get today's? God, it took forever to get today's. 24:40 Painful. I was staring and staring and staring at it. 24:45 Finally did it in six... 24:49 Only just. 24:51 Few, it said, as I got it at the sixth and last go. 24:57 The whole world is obsessed with that game. Ain't just me. 25:02 It's a very good game. It's a very simple game, and the simple things are often the best. Ain't that right, Bodge? Exactly. 25:12 Seriously, what does he look like? I mean, ordinarily he looks bad enough, but when he goes out running, ugh! Disgusting. Awful. Put it away, Bodge. Nobody wants to see... Even Carrie doesn't want to see that. 25:25 Archie text, Downing Street have been shifting some amount of cake. 25:30 I think you've misspelled that word at the end there. 25:36 Somebody surprised Boris at his birthday with cake. Yeah, yeah, no, I think that's a misspelled. It's a typo. That wasn't cake. 25:46 Wrong vowel. 25:51 I mean, anybody believe that the height of their partying was having a quiz night? No. No, me either. 25:57 Strip quiz, maybe. 26:02 James says, Brexit Britain is shambolic. Well, that's completely untrue. Let's go to an expert and ask, how's Brexit going? 26:09 Brexit's going great. 26:13 Alan says, calm down and eat rhubarb. Yeah, well, that's the other thing. The only rhubarb they'd have over at number 10 is rhubarb and custard. Old ravers will know what I mean by that. 26:23 Andrew emails, thank goodness 2021 is now behind us. For a moment there, I was concerned that this year was going to be another bumpy road. But with World War III just around the corner, and Trump promising to be the next US president, things are finally starting to look up. Finally starting to look up. I'll bring us into war. So when he gets back in, it's going to be World War IV. 26:42 These are forthcoming attractions. World War IV. 26:47 The amount of text and tweets I've got already, I've barely said a word. 26:51 There's so many already, I'm not going to be able to get through them as they are. Never mind about how many are going to pour in. 26:58 Pouring in they will be. All over me. 27:04 I can't keep up. 27:06 Dipper tweets, Keir Starmer, give it a rest, loser. 27:13 Give it a rest, loser. 27:18 I mean this in the nicest possible way, Dipper. You're an idiot. 27:25 He says, give it a rest, loser. Weeks, months of your non-stop campaign and you're not cutting through. Hashtag get Starmer out. 27:34 Or it could be get Starmer out. I don't know which one. 27:40 You're an idiot, Dipper. 27:41 I mean that in a positive way. 27:46 So we're pretty much stuck with a dictator then. 27:50 Yeah, that's the way it looks. 27:53 This was our moment when we finally knew what was happening in this country. 28:00 And we can kiss our freedoms ta-ta. Bye-bye. 28:05 Well, let's get back to it. So I just looked up the meaning of that word. This is Andy's email that I read some moments ago. I refer you to the email I read some moments ago. It says, I dread to think what the inside of number 10 looks like. Princess Carrie's taste is bizarre. 28:20 Look at the dress she was wearing the other night. Well, I did not see the dress that she was wearing the other night, sadly. 28:26 But if it's anything like her taste in interior furnishings, it's probably so hideous that it's singed the outside of your eyeballs just looking at it. 28:36 Andy says, I bet she chose his running shorts. 28:40 See, now I'm thinking about his running shorts again. Disgusting. Everything about his attire for running. What is he doing other than taking our mind off the vaunting criminality of this dreadful regime? 28:52 Giving us something else to be appalled at. 28:57 He says, as for Bodger, the inside of his car suggests he is manky. And I looked up the word manky in the dictionary. 29:05 Adjective, informal British, dirty and unpleasant. 29:10 What? 29:13 I think that sounds about right, eh, Bodge? Yes. 29:21 Where do you even begin with this lot? I mean, for crying out loud, it is just... It's not funny. Well, it is funny. 29:28 If only we weren't living here and we were pointing and laughing at another country, it would be funny-er. 29:35 Weybridge. Hello, Jennifer. 29:37 Hello, Nick. 29:38 Jennifer. 29:40 Ah, do you know the problem with your programme? What? 29:43 It's so late and I have to wait until I've spoken to you before I can have another glass of wine. 29:49 Stop whining. 29:52 But I've got to say this. Here's my thought on everything. 29:56 Yeah. Just so I know. Just one moment. Just so I know. When you say another glass of wine, on top of how many already? 30:02 Ah, ah. 30:04 I'd rather not go into that. Booze. 30:07 Mm-hmm. OK, then. 30:08 Right. A couple of three glasses. 30:11 Yes. 30:11 Because I don't know where to begin about Mr Johnson. 30:14 About six pints. Go on. 30:16 Right. But Rowan and Martin's laughing. 30:20 Mm. 30:21 Do you remember a bucket of something got thrown over Goldie Hawn? 30:28 No. 30:29 Ah... 30:30 Look it up, Nick. I most certainly will do nothing of the sort. Goldie Horn, the delightful Goldie Horn, got a bucket of something. 30:36 Yes, she was in Rowan and Martin's laughing. 30:38 Yeah, I know, I remember that, yeah. 30:40 And every week she got thrown a bucket... bucket... A bucket? Of something. 30:48 What? What? What something? 30:51 Well, it was S-H. Oh! I don't like to say the word. 30:56 Cow product. 30:57 Yes. Yes. 31:00 They most certainly did not throw a bucket of cow product over the delightful Goldie Horn. But they did. They most certainly did not. Check it out, Nick. I won't. I don't want to and you can't make me. 31:12 No, that's true. That's true. But those are my memories. I could be wrong, Nick. 31:18 Yeah, you could be drunk. 31:20 Oh, not yet. 31:21 Not yet. Right. 31:22 I was waiting until I'd spoken to you. 31:24 Well, I appreciate that. 31:26 Thank you. Thank you. 31:28 I was confused in my youth because that was on a little bit before I was sort of aware of what it was that they were talking about. 31:37 I'm really old. 31:38 Yeah, really old. How old are you? How old are you? Exactly. You're 87 years old. 31:45 In my lifetime, I have never experienced a worse prime minister. 31:52 I'm ashamed of him. Yeah, I don't think in anybody's lifetime anybody has experienced the worst prime minister. And he is clinging on to power with the help of his enablers and laughing in our faces as he's doing it. 32:06 Absolutely. What shall I do? 32:10 Apart from that bucket that was thrown over in Goldie Hawn. I think you want to take a good long look at yourself, Jennifer. 32:19 What? 32:21 I don't know. Have another glass of wine. 32:25 I'll just have another glass. 32:26 Have another glass, of course. Alcohol will solve all of your problems. 32:31 For now. 32:33 Alright, thanks a lot, Jennifer. What a nice lady. 32:37 Awful. It's just terrible what's happening in this country. And it took him two short years to turn us into this mess. Two years. That man. Two years it took for him to turn this country into this catastrophe that we're experiencing at the moment. 32:59 Sam Tex, have you noticed these Tory MPs get wheeled out for interviews on TV and talk in riddles while repeating the phrase, it's quite clear? Yeah, blatant gaslighting of the population. If I hear that phrase one more time, well, the Prime Minister has made it absolutely clear that, and then you know that what they're about to say next is a lie. 33:17 The Prime Minister has made it clear that nothing he says is true. 33:24 Absolutely everything that pops. If he told you what the time was, you would know that it was any other minute in the day but the one that he's just told you. 33:35 He can't help himself. 33:37 Paws out of him. 33:40 And what's infuriating is it's the same lies over and over and over again. Well, Mr Speaker, we're building 40 new hospitals. No, no, you're not. You're not building 40 new hospitals. You just keep saying it over and over again. 33:57 We've got the fastest growing economy in the Western world. Well, if we didn't, then we'd be in a right state because we had the biggest economic crash of any country in the Western world. 34:09 He doesn't mention that part, does he? 34:11 I got all the decisions, all the major decisions right. 34:18 How he can say that with a straight face is beyond me. 34:24 I mean, it's virtually psychopathic. How can anybody lie like that again and again and again, having already been called out on those lies, been corrected to his face, and he still says them again and again and again? 34:42 It's amazing. And they all, like Sam says, they all come out, they all get the memo and they all come out and they just say the same things over and over and over again. The Prime Minister has made it quite clear that this is the best government that has ever existed. He's been quite clear about that. 35:03 I just don't think I can take it anymore. And that is, of course, the plan. Same as Trump. 35:08 Everything that this government does, just ask yourself, what would Donald Trump do? 35:12 They'd lie and they'd lie and they'd lie and they'd lie and they'd lie and people would correct them. 35:17 And they'd receive that correcting and then they'd repeat the lie again. And then you'd correct them again and they'd just repeat the lie again. 35:26 And eventually you'd give up, which is, of course, the plan. 35:31 That's what they're after. You just can't fight it anymore. Oh, all right then. 35:41 You can carry on. 35:43 funneling billions of pounds of our money into, I don't know, where did it go? How can you spend £37 billion on a phone app that doesn't work? 35:53 South Korea built a phone app for its citizens in about two weeks, and it cost threepent sehipni, which is the official currency of South Korea. That's just a fact. Look it up. 36:10 We've spent, what is it, two years now? It still doesn't work. How is that possible? £37 billion. And if they say it costs £37 billion, then you know it's probably £50, £60 billion. 36:21 If it's just £37 billion, it's not far off half the entire budget for the NHS for a year. 36:29 How is that possible? 36:31 Where did the money go? 36:34 And that doesn't even scratch the surface of the £100 million cheque that was sent to this friend of the regime, and a £100 million cheque was sent to that friend of the regime to provide medical equipment that they previously had zero experience in. 36:50 Meanwhile, there's medical companies, actual medical companies that do it for a living, who are banging on the door saying, we've got all this stuff here, do you want it? And the government says, oh, no, no, that's OK. 36:59 are a bloke who walks Boris Johnson's dog. He's just signed up for a £121 million contract to provide surgical masks that won't work. 37:11 So you're all right. 37:13 It's just incredible what's happening in this country. And they are wearing us down because now, and with the assistance of the usual suspects, the offshore billionaire foreign-owned press, they are beating us into submission. 37:30 This is not what the public want to hear. I mean, how many times have you heard that? 37:35 And, of course, their fans, their cult fans who are all in, digging their heels in, the people that up until recently were saying, oh, leave him alone, he's doing his best. Well, even they can't come up with that anymore. So now they're swerving that and going straight to, this is not what the public wants. What the public wants is to hear about the vaccine rollout, to hear about how we are number one, global Britain, all of that nonsense. 38:06 They're beating us into submission. And it's working. 38:09 Because the public can only take it for so long. 38:13 And that's the part of the word news that is the most important bit. New. This isn't new anymore. It's the same old story. And so we get bored. People just get bored. Who's still going on about that? 38:27 God, it's painful. 38:29 So he is going to get away with it. All he has to do is just drag it out for a couple of weeks and people won't want to hear about it anymore. 38:38 Calm me down. 38:40 I didn't think I was going to get this angry, but gee. 38:46 And they claim to be guided by their faith. 38:52 Really, it's a pretty weird faith. 38:55 When all of their actions would put them at the very top of God's to smite list. 39:02 Oh, hello. Kenny texts, I'm not a Boris fan, but I thought his I don't know who ate most cake comment was really funny. Well, if by funny you mean ironic, then yes. 39:15 I mean, pretty rich coming from a bloke who looks like he's made entirely from jelly. 39:20 When he's in his running attire, it looks like a burst sausage is going for a jog. 39:27 Manatees are looking at him going, God, have a salad once in a while, why don't you? 39:34 Howard texts, it wasn't Goldie Hawn, it was Judy Kahn in her repetitive Sock It To Me sketch. Sock It To Me, Sock It To Me, Sock It To Me, Sock It To Me. Yeah, they didn't put a bucket of ordure over Goldie Hawn. They wouldn't dare. 39:48 She was America's sweetheart, probably still is, even though she doesn't actually look like Goldie Hawn anymore. I saw her in something recently and I was surprised to learn that the person that I was looking at was Goldie Hawn. 40:00 I think it was a film with almost certainly somebody else as well. 40:07 If that clears it up for you. 40:10 There was somebody in it as well. 40:13 That really nails that film down, doesn't it? No. Yeah, Goldie Hawn was in there, but I think for actresses, I guess it's because we know what she looks like before. If we had never seen Goldie Hawn when she was younger, then the way she's arranged her facial features now, or more accurately, has had someone arrange them for her, it just looks wrong. 40:39 Maybe if we didn't know her before, then we'd just accept her for what she looks like. But, I don't know, all the character has gone out of her face and she looks like somebody else. Somebody kind of weird and alien-like. 40:51 A little bit alien-like. 40:54 But, you know, you can't tell them because they think that's the way to maintain their careers, I suppose. 41:03 But that's Hollywood. 41:05 Hollywood even weirder than here, if you can believe that. 41:10 Edward says, I was wondering how your teeth are lately. Oh, God. 41:15 Well, I'm poking it with my tongue as I speak. 41:19 If that helps my diction. 41:21 You know someone saying I'm poking it with my tongue? 41:24 I said, I'm the only person that I'm saying when I'm poking it with my tongue. 41:30 He says, I had root canal treatment the same time you had your tooth extracted. Last week, my wisdom tooth gave me enormous pain, and when I saw my dentist yesterday, she asked me if I would like it saved or extracted. I said, I'll have it removed, because if that's good enough for a superstar like me, then it's good enough for him to follow the fashion that I set. 41:50 Plus, you never complained when you were in pain. Well, you know me, I never complain. Whinging and whining and moaning. No, I've got to go see the dentist this week. 41:58 I paid £1,500 to have this tooth kept in my head. And I know what he's going to say. He's going to say, oh, well, if you're still complaining, we'll take it out. 42:07 It'll cost you... My car costs less than this tooth in my head, and you're going to take it out and throw it away. Can you believe that? 42:18 Merseyside. Hello, Jane. 42:20 Hiya, Nick. Just wanted to say, wasn't it that show that ended with Goodnight Dick... with Goldie Hawn in where they've got the water dust on the heads and things. 42:31 It was, yeah, it was a Ronan Martin's laughing. And as I was saying to that... Ronan Martin's laughing. Yeah, as I was saying to that nice lady who just called, I was a bit too young when it was out on TV and I could never figure out what the end was. It was the sound of one person clapping slowly, I realised later. 42:51 I think it was meant to be a comedian show, yes. 42:55 It wasn't meant to be a comedian's show. It was a comedian's show. It was full of comedians. 43:00 It was sometimes, let's face it. Very interesting. And it was only sometimes comedic. But I wanted to talk about people going on, about people's homes. These people, I mean, some of them bust your door down to get into your home these days. Who does? 43:16 Lots of people bust your door down for different reasons. People bust your door down? They're not even invited, Nick. Who are these people busting your door down? 43:27 Oh, there's lots of nosy, nanny state people want to know how people are living. Name one. Name one. 43:35 Name one person that's busted your door down. 43:38 Jane, what are you talking about? Who has bust your door down? Name the institution that has bust your door down. 43:56 Jane, who has bust your door down? What are you talking about, woman? The police bust your door down. Well, then I can't comment on that because, you know, we can't comment on any matters in that regard until Sue Gray's report is released. 44:16 That's just a fact. 44:18 You're making no sense there, Jane, but it fits right in on this show. 44:25 I was up your way just the other day, Jane, and I did consider busting your door down, but thought there's absolutely no reason why I should be doing that, so I didn't. You're welcome. 44:36 And that's it. If you subscribe to this podcast, the next episode will get squirted up your life as though by magic on Mondays. And don't forget the other ones that I do. There's the one that I do with Carol McGiffin, also twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, called What's Your Problem With Nick and Carol? It's a laugh riot. I think you'll love it. 44:56 There's also also the Nick Abbott, the whole show plus podcast, which is our new offering in which you get the Friday and Saturday night shows as a podcast. 45:08 advert free, plus an extra show that comes out on a Monday, which deals with all of the messages that came in in the weekend that I couldn't get to, plus all of the news stories that I couldn't get to either. That's essentially wipes up the weekend, comes out on a Monday, Nick Abbott, the whole show plus, plus you get a newsletter, which is put straight into your inbox, which deals with the rest of the things that happened over the course of the week. and launches us into the weekend shows. 45:40 It's called Nick Abbott, The Whole Show Plus. You'll find it on Global Player or the new LBC app. Both apps free from your app store. Ask for it by name on an internet near you. Nick Abbott, The Whole Show Plus. And I'll be back on the radio Friday, Saturday, Sunday night at 10. And until then, I'll be seeing you. Bye-bye. 46:01 This has been a Global Production.